20: Jelly

Boat, Welly, Water ------------------ Once we went to a restaurant and there was an actual dinosaur there, an actual dinosaur that you could eat. Chunks torn off as it wandered amiably from table to table. Another time we went to one we had to row to, it was on an island in a lake. Water started coming into our row boat and when we were half way we had to walk and use the wellies they’d given us as all the water from the lake had transferred into our vessel through the leak. Being forward thinking, we tried to put a few of the larger fish in the boat before carrying on. We were trudging through the sludge in these wellies, when we noticed they had holes in too and the mud was getting in and by the time we reached the decking around the perimeter of the restaurant, all the mud, the living and dead organic life of the lake had filled the boots which we had to abandon at the bottom of the steps up. Looking down below, as we ate our fried halloumi, there was smooth polished rock, our boat holding every drop of water from the lake was being spun by the wind and the two pairs of portly wellies stood with mud dripping over the top. At bedtime, our elderly mother held us until we sank into sleep as though we were her little babies again. Canon Fodder ------------ Middle-aged. Exhausted. I refuse another pounding at the hands of these trolls of parenthood. Hosted my son's birthday party this afternoon and found an elaborate water trap set by the children. Before they could notice I'd noticed, I tricked them into looking directly at the sun-drenched metal screen left over from the extension build next door, while two of the other parents wobbled it rhythmically from either side to give me time to disarm the trap, draining it between the rabbit hutches. The kids walked around dazzled for ages, some complained of headaches while one claimed the backs of his eyeballs were on fire. Gave him a couple of ice cubes from the orange juice jug, gunked up his already blood red eyes; looked as though they were pulsating tomatoes oozing tree sap. I crept behind the shed and tried to throttle myself. Unsuccessfully. Passed out though, apparently, and a couple of the children noticed me slumped in the compost and dragged me into the center of the lawn. Cooked there for a quarter of an hour while the juicy eyed kid adjusted the sprinkler to sway between me and his face. Heard the sound of an electric shaver, pretty sure he whispered in my ear, “I’m leaving you here to be fired hairless from a canon, sucker!” Won’t happen sunshine, I thought, not on my lawn, not from my canon!